Feelings?

Everyday, I wish
that my feelings are written
in just pencil.
So every time my heart
just can't take it;
I'll take my eraser
and forget all about it.

Too bad,
mine's written in ink.
The best thing I can do-
is cover everything up.
No matter how hard I try,
it would always leave a mark.
They stay forever.

-

I can't stand up. I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around.

My backbone, he's gone. He's probably tired supporting a wreck like me. But I understand him, I really do. I just cannot understand myself. It was my fault why I'm experiencing this. It was my fault why nobody loves me for me. I just can't accept it. But now, I think I do. I'm unlovable.

People do not love me, they empathize me. They feel sorry that I'm pathetic for bringing myself into such situations. I appreciate being empathized, but I fucking hate it too. I'm so damn stupid for being too strong. I have built something too strong in my exterior that my interior crumbled. I just caved in. I'm sick of existing. People must be sick of me existing too. I want to cute everyone's troubles and just go away. That would probably nice.

I'm sick of people criticizing me for being me. And my dear, it's not only in the internet where you get criticized.You get criticized in real life too. So are you telling me to just leave my life and be happy somewhere up there? I never thought being brave by telling others my feelings was being wrong. Now I do. Trying to be different is just bullshit. I should be like everyone, hiding my feelings and letting it bottle up until I cannot take it anymore.

But hey, you know what? You got me. I'm not strong, I'm fucking weak. I'm now taking off my mask and letting you see who I really am. I'm weak,really weak. Every mean word you tell me? It shoots daggers to my chest. To my entire being. Everytime a friend abandons me? I crumble.

I'm one of the people who's hard to understand. But the real reason behind that is that I'm too... fake. I put on a different mask to be accepted. Now I'm nothing, for I do not even know who I am anymore. Look at me again, being overdramatic. Overacting, like you said. But that's me. I know that's the real me. Are you telling me I need to put on a new mask and hide the only thing I know about myself?

This morning, I've been imagining my wake and my funeral. I tried to imagine who I think will be there and mourn, or just be there to empathize on the last days they could see me. I cried hard. I imagine my bestest friend crying, the people who support me approaching my coffin, WAGC actually giving me a real eulogy, and I could not bear it. As much as I would love to die, I can't.

I'm sorry I could not kill myself. I'm sorry I have to keep on existing. But I promise to get out of your ways from now on. Goodbye.

Numbers

Out of 7 billion people in the world,
Within the great 510,072,000 km²,
The universe decided to cross our paths. 
Although I really hope,
that we'll not be asymptotes. 

Adios

That's it. My creative juices? Nada. I'm completely dry.

Okay so for the past few days, I've been writing my poems for a wrong reason: just to keep the pace and write one each day. I'm not writing to let go of emotions, to inspire others or to exercise my mind. I think that's it.

I may or may not continue writing poetry, but for now I'll be taking a rest. You may recognize the sudden lack of color of my poems, and I am sorry for that. I don't want to push myself anymore for now. I'm beginning to get sick of it, actually. But I swear, my love for writing will never fail.

I'm just gonna use this blog from time to time, maybe for less formal uses? Yeah.

Feather

floating around in the air
free as a bird
light as a feather
my surroundings blurred

that's what i feel
everytime we talk
everything is just surreal
but it's not a big shock

Poem for May 17, 2013

Pet Peeves

This is just one of those nights where I can't stand anything. Here's a list of what just makes me tear my fucking hair out *cue : Forget About It - All Time Low*

• Okay. First of all, I hate it when someone calls me when I just left. Not really like I just turned my back or something like when you call me after I've made effort going away or st. 
• I also can't stand it when people YOUNGER than me treats me like a baby. I don't like being called "cute" in a condescending way by someone who's 14. I'm fucking 17, child. I study the basics of engineering already so please stop I am not your kitten or st. 
• I really can't stand it when people offer me stuff just to tease me. For example, gusto mo nito? edi bumili ka. WELL SAKSAK MO SA BAGA MO.
• Girls who want an army behind them are just pricks. I hate them so much. You do something scandalous then in the end, you try to change the story so you'll be the cute puppy and we'll be the love children of satan and nicki minaj. Well too bad, I'm the resbak queen (according to Michelle)
• Night ruiners. When you expect a beautiful night to happen, like doing everything just to make that happen, but someone has to fucking ruin everything. Dude, I'll fucking cut your husband's penis on your marriage night. COCKBLOCK. 
• Songs that ruin a soundtrack worthy shuffle. I mean I'm in the zone to cry then a fucking dance party will erupt while you're sobbing uncontrollably. Phone, fix your shit. 
• Girls over-possessive  with bands and everything. ABA WAG PULP ROYALTY BILIN MO KUNG GANYAN KA. SILA NA BILIN MO TAS SAKSAK MO SA BAGA MO!
• I could go on and on but I think this would be enough for tonight? Yey. 

Okay. This is one giant indirect tweet to everyone. Sorry for offending you, I guess? Meh. SPAWNS OF SATAN UNITE!

My Constellation

I want to jump off;
arms outstretched on my sides.
Screaming like there's no tomorrow-
but with you, tomorrow is endless.

We'll go out.
run away like the kids we are.
Spend time staring at the stars-
the constellations inspire us.

We are all united,
for our heart beats as one.
Infinite, it describes our bond.
I would never ever let go.

We'd swim the great oceans,
drive through the endless traffic,
and laugh through them all.
With you, I'm in the afterglow.

Poem for May 16, 2013

Shuffle Challenge Part Deux

Game 2! I'm really bored (Now it's 11:20 pm) and I want to do something fun while listening to music!

1) How am I feeling today? - MakeDamnSure - Taking Back Sunday

*We lay, we lay together just not too close......yet so far. (emo roneth)

2) How do my friends see me? - My Blue Heaven - Taking Back Sunday

*Wow, 2 TBS songs in a row! If this is what my friends think of me, then wow. That's just beautiful, man. Really really beautiful.

3) What is my best friend’s theme song? - I Won't Believe This - A Rocket To The Moon

* Sobfest for ARTTM ; n ; I don't dig this song tho, to be honest.

4) What is the story of my life? - Tonight - FM Static

*Fucking accurate. I'm always lovesick, and I'm always fallen. This song just describes all my struggles, I guess. I just have a hard time letting people go. 

5) What is the best thing about me? - Last Night (Vegas) - Breathe Carolina

*throwing a mini dance party hahaha Then I guess the best thing about me is that I party really hard!

6) What is today going to be like? - Happy For You - The Summer Set

*Sobfest with dance party for this song. That's the fucking beauty of TSS's songs. I want to cry while wanting to dance at the same time. Anyway... will I be finally happy for you today?

7) What is in store for this week? - Give Me Anything - The Maine

*Oh it's you, and it's true. You're electric I can't get over it. YES PLEASE.

8) What song describes my mom? - Return The Favor - All Time Low

*How do I get away, when you're begging me to stay? Pretty much accurate everytime I want to go out with my friends or go to concerts. Hahahaha

9) What song describes my dad? - Thnks Fr Th Mmrs- Fall Out Boy

*headbands the shit out of my head because fuck yeah I can and btw, inappropriate song for my father HAHAHAHA

10) To describe my grandparents? - This Is All Now - Taking Back Sunday

*but yes I AM ALL THIS NOW I AM ALL THIS NOW I AM THIS NOOOOOW headbangs even though song does not connect to my grandparents at all (except for the line I know you mean well with your ancient code of ethics)

11) How is my life going? - On Your Side - A Rocket To The Moon

*cries hard because OHMYGOD ARTTM SIGH but accurate song, You know that my love is on your side.

12) What song will they play at my funeral? - And Now I'm Nothing - The Wonder Years

*another accurate song. Damn, this phone's ahuffle system is designed for these kind of challenges!

13) How does the world see me? - Time Bomb - All Time Low

*Thank you very much, world. IT WAS LIKE A TIME BOMB SENT INTO MOTION THEY KNOW THAT WE WERE DESTINED TO EXPLOOOODE AND IF I HAD TO PULL YOU OUT OF THE WRECKAGE YOU IM NEVER GONNA LET YOU GOOOO

14) Will I have a happy life? - Underneath Every Smile - I See Stars

*Hm, semi accurate song for this question. meeeeh *moshes with plushies*

15) What do my friends really think of me? -  Voted Most Likely - Man Overboard

*See how awesome my phone is when it comes to shuffling?! Another accurate song for this question then! Wait another rak na rak party coming up

16) How can I make myself happy? - Postcards and Polaroids - Sleeping With Sirens

*The song itself makes me fucking happy already! I love this song!!!! But yes, Before I go could you love me just a little bit more one more time? That would make me fucking happy.

17) What should I do with my life? - Who Are You Now - Sleeping With Sirens

*COINCIDENCE? I think not! Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly, we're gonna work it out.

17) What is some good advice for me? - Crash - You Me At Six

*Just crash, fall down, I'll wrap my arms around you now. But who'll wrap his/her arms around me? We do not know.

18) How will I be remembered? - What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction 

*Well this is nice, I mean if I would be remembered as beautiful and IF ONLY YOU SAW WHAT I CAN SEE DANCE PARTY

19) What is my signature dancing song? - Jukebox (Life Goes On) - The Summer Set

*I love this song so much!!!! And because of that, DANCE PARTY!!! LIFE GOES ON WE GOT ALL NIIIIIIGHT

20) What is my current theme song? - Reckless - You Me At Six

*Well hell yeah, I'm reckless! I'm Mis(ter)s reckless with a capital R!

21) What does everyone else think my current theme song is? - Legendary - The Summer Set

*I smiled once I heard the next song. This song is amazing, I swear. And of course, a The Summer Set song for the The Summer Set princess. Anyway, a perfect song to end my shuffle challenge so I'm really happy with this!

Okay, it took me 2 days (I fell asleep last night while listening to crash) to finish this but finally, part 2! Hope you enjoyed reading and you should try doing it too!

Who?

Who am I to you?
Am I just a friend?
Do you think about me too?
I'm sorry, I want this to end.
I am nothing-
just another one of them.
Not even a fling,
or your most valued gem.
Am I a joke to you?
I'm sorry I have feelings too.

Poem for May 14, 2013
I'm crushed. Adventure Time's What Am I To You spinoff

Shuffle Challenge

Hello there. So I'm quite bored (yes, at 7:36 in the morning) and sleeping is not an option so I tried to do this. I'm supposed to put my music player on shuffle (right now I'm gonna use my phone) and fill up the following using the song titles that come up. Okay, here goes. (commentaries with the *)

Life Story: Music game

Opening Credits: Someday - The Summer Set

*Beautiful song with a beautiful message. This being the "opening credits" to my life is awesome.

Waking Up: Like We Used To (Piano Version) - A Rocket To The Moon 

*okay so I'm bawling like a child here. So instead of being the normal teenager who's gonna hit next once they see the title, I won't. I chose to listen to every song even until the middle. Right now, I'm torn about the reason why I'm crying, for it can be about ARTTM's breakup or the sad message of the song.

First Day At School: When We Were Young - The Summer Set

*I decided to throw a little dance party in here. And I am amused on how my phone favors TSS this morning. My father, Gervie Cruz the TSS King, must be so proud of me right now. Sobs everywhere.

Falling In Love: Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade

*Fuck! This is horrible at the same time it is accurate. I am indeed Miserable At Best whenever I'm beginning to fall in love with someone. I might have to reassess my self every time. I think I think too much. See!

Fight Song: Drella - Pierce The Veil 

*Can we all give my phone a round of applause for being a cooperative bitch? Wow, this song is accurate again! "Or the night we snuck out your window? Oh, 'cause baby, baby, you're so crazy now" wow, we could also mosh to this while fighting! 

Breaking Up: Hell Above - Pierce The Veil

*Oh my God, future (ex)boyfriend, beware! I might wreck havoc into your life too. And literally bring hell above. I'm very satan-like after breakups.

Life’s OK: Fireworks - You Me At Six

*Now my phone decided to fuck up my winning streak. Fireworks???? When my life's okay?! Oohhh sneaky. It's like I think my life's okay but the love of my life was sleeping in someone else's bed. Shudders.

Getting Back Together: Loud - This Century

*"And you can't hold me down, I wanna get loud!" Uhm, so once again, beware my future (ex)boyfriend. Getting back together doesn't sound that pretty...

Wedding: 7 Days - The Summer Set

*Meep, an ugly song to relate to marriage... We all hope I'm the bipolar one in this relationship, or not. oooh oooh ooooh ooooohhhh Look another TSS song wow, am I the TSS princess now?

Birth of Child: What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction

*Yes, Harry. I would like my childbirth to make me beautiful. Or at least I want my child to be beautiful. And yes, I listen to One Direction from time to time. Cue : dance party

Final Battle:  Never Be What You Want - We Are The In Crowd

*Well, this is nice. Even at my final battle, I'll choose to be me. I won't follow your goddamn orders and shit even if it costs my life! What if I become a Christian martyr? Nahhhh, very unlikely. And apparently I decided to have a gig while this song is playing. Coughs Tay Jardine.Death Scene: The Reckless and the Brave - All Time Low

*gdi! My martyr theory is slowly materializing. Although it may come from a war or st? Martyrdom for the fanbase then! Yes, I'll die for the music!!!!! Or uhm not

Funeral Song: I Miss You - Blink-182

*Aaaaaaw, this song is a nice tearjerker at my funeral. I mean, I'm actually gonna be missed! Wow, it's sad that I have to die before I could be loved (emo moments with roneth wbu?)

End Credits: Swing - Taking Back Sunday

*headbangs while slowly ascending to heaven or descending to hell. Or floats in midair. Or rots in the ground. I have no idea sorry.

Yay! I hope you enjoyed reading my response to this shuffle game! 

I can't write a poem

Sure, it's nice to be a part of something. Fishes belong to schools, ants belong to colonies, wolves belong to packs and I guess humans belong to families or communities. They give you that sense of security which being alone does not give you. Problem is, why do I feel the contrary? Instead of feeling okay and sure about everything, I feel horrible being a part of a group. Not in that sense where I hate being a member of one right now, but being regarded as a mere part of it. I'm losing my individuality. I'm not me anymore, just some part of a collective. That sucks, and it hurts so bad. I just wanna let this out of my chest. I want to be loved, as me. I want to be missed, as me. I want to be adored and appreciated, as me. Why do I have to be a part of everyone? Am I not worthy enough? Am I not special enough? Can't I stand on my own two feet to be recognized? To be a fragment of your thoughts? To be a part of your heart? I love you as an individual. I miss you as an individual. I love every part of you, miss every part of you, adore every part of you, and I am attached to every part of you. Just you. Will I ever matter to you by just being me?

Every Day

Words-
they bleed out, bright red.
Flowing like a river;
coursing through the seas.
They fly in the great horizon
Time will come,
it will reach you, my love
I hope you return it-
a shade of crimson as well.

Poem for May 13, 2013.

Missing Link

Every wire was cut off;
the only thing I'm holding on to.
The bond between me and you was lost.
But my love, I'm here again.
I'll never ever leave your side,
even if I am floating like a ghost.
You're my anchor,
I'm your wings-like that song.
I'll stay with you, whatever the cost.

Poem for May 12, 2013
New rhyme scheme I'm trying out. Early post due to the lack of internet connection in my house. Fuck everything.

Walls

I'm confused, my love.
My mind's going around in circles.
Help me, my heart's in a labyrinth-
I'm really stuck this time.
But for you, my dear:
I am willing to break the walls.
I'll jump over the barriers,
anything that separates us.
You make me see things clearer,
you're the one I need.
You may have slurred me;
those unclear words of yours.
But that made me stronger, I fear.
You motivated me to carry on.

Poem for May 11, 2013

My Dearest

This week, I've been hanging out with my cousins a lot. I love them so much, I treat them as my own brothers and sisters. We have this bond that does not seem to falter. Instead, it strengthens as we grow older for we can hangout more each day. I cannot stress how thankful I am for having them, and I vow to take care of them until God knows when. As their eldest cousin (or sister, as we like to say) I'll do everything I need to do to protect them.

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines by Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tries to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

-

I've been meaning to post this before I started writing my own poems, for this is my inspiration for writing. We discussed this in my World Literature class the day after my breakup (I cried in class, seriously). From then, I motivated myself to channel my pain and anger from loss through art. That time, I tried drawing and painting which helped me. 

This summer, I'm starting to experience the same thing. Compared to losing, it's the pain from defeat. How can I lost something I never even had? My pain is channeled from defeat- the absence of another person for he belonged to another. The whole universe defeated me from achieving my own piece of happiness. "The world is not a wish-granting factory", and indeed it wasn't. The universe revolves around you, hindering you from doing the right thing at the right time. 

This poem is so inspiring, for it never fails to reflect my own emotions into something timeless. My poems may not be as beautiful as this, it will not be as eternal and frozen in time. One day, my colorful words will be forgotten and long lost in someone else's memories. But I know one thing for sure: the feelings encrypted in my poems are as deep as Pablo Neruda's. 

"My sight tries to find her (him) as though to bring her (him) closer. My heart looks for her (him), and she (he) is not with me." This line is visible in all my other poems regarding this subject. I am longing for him, my whole heart, body and mind craves for his essence. He is not with me, he is indeed miles away. He was once close to me, and I was engulfed by his presence. How dear he is to me. How beautiful he was, for he was my love and my dreams. I was in love with him, in love with the thought of me being with him and him being with me.

"Another's. She (He) will be another's." This line shows my whole dilemma, the whole roadblock the universe has chosen to give me. I am hindered from loving him without sin. Every single time I wanted to be with him, I am doing nothing but breaking my own heart. Everything is wrong about my feelings for this person, but I never wished for this. He is so dear to me, but I am not as dear to him. "Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

"Because nights like this I held her (him) in my arms. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her (him)." So many sleepless nights, so many haunted dreams. I want him to be beside me day by day. I want to be there for him, to take care of him, to love him with all my heart and to give him happiness. My soul has not lost him, for he slipped away before I got the chance to keep him. 

I'm so sorry, my love. I did not want to love you. I did not want any of this. But I am in love with you, I think about you everyday. I miss you so much. I know you won't read this anyway, but here I am trying to reach out to you.

"For this be the last pain that she (he) makes me suffer, and these the last verses that I write for her (him)." But I can't, and these aren't.

Midnight

You keep a special place in my heart;
it's sad that we had to be apart.
I'm always blissful when we meet-
but pain-stricken everytime you depart.

You always sweep me off my feet,
for your smile is always so sweet.
Please do not ever go away.
You're the reason for my stray heart beat.

"I'll be here", I say.
I promise you it'll be my way-
of showing you how much I care.
If for your love that's the price I have to pay.

Sometimes pain I cannot bear-
it's like life is never fair.
But I will continue loving you,
even if you belong to another pair.

Poem for May 10, 2013
Rubaiyat in chain rhyme form.
Rhyme scheme inspired by Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.

Some Days

Each day is a challenge,
but for me- today is a blur.
My morning was horrifying-
nothing was going my way.
But one moment:
when the sun bid goodbye-
everything changed.
I smiled.

Creative Output for May 9, 2013

Of Candles and Hourglasses

I do not know why I can't write a poem right now, so i'm gonna do this in an essay form.. which is gonna be lame. I'm sorry this one's going to suck since we both know I'm not good with words. Okay, here goes.

Hello, my dear friend. You may be here because:
a) I dm'd you the link
b) You read my blog constantly (I thank you for that)

So if you're here because of option a, then Happy Birthday!

You might wonder why I need to fuss over your birthday so much but I have this weird appreciation for my friend's birthdays. I'm just thankful to the Lord Almighty and to your parents for having sex (this one sounds so wrong, I am sorry) so I can have someone to be with and appreciate life. You're one of the reasons why I do not want to kill myself at the end of the day, and one of the reasons why I keep the edges of my lips on the opposite sides of my face.

I know you don't want the greeting happy included in your birthday wishes but this post will help me make you feel at least blissful. I may not give you happiness but I hope my words will give you a warm feeling inside. It may not be hot cocoa on a cold day (Bokura Ga Ita feels) but I hope to make you feel something close to that.

Anyway, I would like to start by expressing my gratitude. Okay, thank you so so so so much for coming into my life. You're one of the few friends who's always there for me, and never worry for I'll return the favor. I'll never leave your side, even if we're kilometers away. Thank you for treating me like a princess, I've never experienced that. I have never felt so special in my life until the moment you guys took care of me. Actually, thank you for existing. You've helped me go through a lot, just by the mere fact that I know you're in the same world as me. This may be late but thank you for sharing you favorite book (at that time, I don't know what your favorite book is now) to me last summer. It affected me so much, I promise you that. It may have taken me almost a year to find you but I would like to give credits to the universe for bringing us together.

Now, I would like to let you know how much you mean to me. You're one of the greatest people I have met, I swear. I may not have been there for you in the past 17 years of your existence but I want to be in it for God-knows-how-many-more years. I want to support you the way you support me, to make you happy just the way you make me smile, to sleep beside you the way you made me feel like I'm in sleeping heaven (what) and those stuff. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. You are one of the people who inspire me to put my best foot forward. To just keep moving on. To see a brighter future ahead of me while making my present more colorful than the rainbow will ever be.

This message is too cheesy, I know. But that's just me. I get emotional sometimes (sobs everywhere).
I hope you get my presents soon, I've been working really hard on them. I hope you like them and help you remember me by. About remembering, they told me once that to be remembered forever, you need to do things like: 1) plant a tree and 2) write a book. I'm not good with gardening nor do I have the time to write a whole book for you so I hope a poem will do. Here it goes:

You're a beautiful angel-
you saved me from darkness and hell.
You're my greatest hero-
you are the for me to and fro,
You're my savior-
you carried me even when not in your favor.
You're my light-
you make my colors shine bright.
You are my smile-
I hope you last for a while.

Happy birthday my Finn the Human!
-Roneth

(Handwritten sana kaso panget sulat ko kasi summer sorry sigh)

Never Be You

I wrote this song because I'm feeling frustrated about someone. I hope she gets to read this. Sigh.
I have a tune in mind but I don't know how to add guitar chords and shit.

I will never be you, I will never be youuuu~

He calls you up, and looks for you.
He never fails to greet you in the morning.
Yet you still crave for more, it's true.
Much to my disappointment

Isn't he the sweetest guy out there?
Why can't you just be the same to him?
I don't understand why you seem not to care.
Can't you see how lucky you are?

A pretty smile, a kickass attitude.
Everything about you, he'll never forget.
No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be his type.
I will never be you, I will never be you

I see him walking down the street,
gorgeous smile, I mean just look at his eyes.
Too bad our eyes will never meet,
yours are what he's searching for

A pretty smile, a kickass attitude.
Everything about you, he'll never forget.
Now matter how hard I try, I will never be his type.
I will never be you, I will never be you.

You're the one he's dreaming of,
sunset to sunrise, the one he's thinking of.
What's in you that's not in me?
Oh right.... I will never be you.

A pretty smile a kickass attitude.
Everything about you, he'll never forget.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be his type.
I will never be you, I will never be you

woaaaaaah ohhhhh ohhh
Never be you he'll adore so much (woaaaaah ohhh ohh)
Never be you who'll make him smile (woaaaaaah ohhh ohh)
Never be you whom he'll give the most gentle touch (woaaaaaah ohhh ohh)
Never be you, the one he loves

Creative output for May 7, 2013

(A)part

If I took your actions for granted,
ignored your touch,
although it wasn't too much-
this wouldn't have started.

I regret every action I made on that day.
I was so oblivious,
nothing but delirious.
Guess this is the price I have to pay.

Please, my dear brain-
be in a state of confusion,
for I cannot find a solution.
I am in so much pain.

Now for you, my heart-
stop longing for him,
I'm sorry I cannot give in to your every whim.
We had to be apart.

My body, please forgive me.
I was so stupid, so deranged;
never thought this couldn't be arranged-
It was too big, it's fee.

I would have been gone,
free spirited and happy as always.
Any longing for you, no there's no trace.
But too bad, it has begun.

Now I'm sitting here, weeping-
forlorn for you are not in here;
she's with you, as I eject a single tear.
Not dreaming of me, while you are sleeping.

Poem for May 6, 2013
abba rhyme scheme, surprised i could manage it while idk

Damage

I'm so lost without you-
Ever since you came into my life,
I do not know what to do.
You were gonna leave, I was so sure.
I am not the one you love anyway;
I kmow there will always be someone else.
But you made me feel something,
different- really different.
Worse than butterflies in my gut,
it seems they flew out to my heart.
Every crash and burn,
I really feel it, it hurts.
Everytime you talk to her,
you remind me I'm not the one.
I feel so hollow-
I really need you , I feel so low.
If I ever get the chance again, 
I would have done anything.
You wouldn't ever be mine, I know.
That kills me, but I've got to accept.

Poem for May 5, 2013.
First time to free verse in my life. 

He Picked You

I am in a labyrinth, lost
a vortex of nothing imminent, only a ghost
how can i save something
when i am the one who needs rescuing

a few steps back- i trudge
my neck held up high, she had a grudge
against me, i am afraid
when will those feelings ever fade

I would do anything, even cheat
but either way, i'll wallow in defeat
it chose you, the ray of sunshine
don't worry about me for I am fine

poem for may 4, 2013
First time to try out deep metaphors, so no gpoy moment for now

Petals and Bus Tickets

Overdue blog post about my day last April 30, 2013.

I woke up quite early, knowing that it's gonna be a beautiful day with beautiful companions. It was a bad idea, since I slept quite late (not as late as I do now) and I was feeling fuzzy. I worked out on kinect with hopes of looking better in my dress since I gained a bit of fat everywhere in my body. I tried to time my departure so I would arrive on time in our meeting place, but my lack of sense of direction struck me. I got a bit lost, but that's okay since Joni arrived later anyway and Gman and I got to catch up.

Gervie, Joni, Cheska and I rode a bus, and it was a long but happy trip. My first bus-ride that's not operated by my school for a field trip, wow. We were the only ones noisy in the bus but we did not care at all. We missed each other too much anyway. So we arrived in Alabang at around 5:45 pm but we still had to look for a place to stay in for the night. We tried SOGO hotel (laugh all you want) but the guard didn't let me in because I look too young for my age. A weird creepy dude we decided to name Gardo approached us and led us to a secluded inn. It was overpriced, but it's better than nothing. We changed our clothes and went to Bia's party in a cab (took us about an hour to get there, sigh)

Bia's party was really fun. I am not a fan of formal shit but when we just drank alcohol and partied to Paramore and Yellowcard, everything felt infinite. We just sat down on the floor in our formal attires and just talked about life. We were under the influence of alcohol but it just made everything lighter. We decided to end the night by slow dancing to All My Heart by Sleeping With Sirens. I first danced with Joni, then with Chesby, then with Bia. Bettina and Chesby were my companions afterwards as we looked after Bia. It was a night to remember.

We decided to hitch a ride from Chesby's dad to go out of the village and we stopped over Jollibee since they were hungry and 7-eleven to buy more booze. We head back to the inn and just listened to Legendary and Everything's Fine: we were with the The Summer Set king after all. We decided to sleep at around 4 or 5 in the morning and it was the best sleep I had in my entire life. Gman keeps on bugging us when he wasn't that sleepy and I was just cuddled up with Joni. It felt really nice, like another set of infinity. It was a smaller one, but I still consider it eternal.

Sun Bay Apartelle was vacated by us at around 11 am and we decided to eat pizza (and force Joni to eat a slice) in Festival Mall. As usual, I got emotional that the day was ending. I wanted that to last forever, everything was just beautiful and perfect. I hope those nights will come again in the future days. I almost cried when Gman had to get off the bus and when I accompanied Joni to the train station. I just got so lost in thought on my way home.

Now, I'm having sleepless nights. I crave for the wonderful sensation I had on that night, but the day is over and I have nothing but memories.

I Wish

Sometimes, I begin to wonder-
in my mind, they always linger.
What if, just what if;
our first meeting was not that brief.

How I wish I was her,
who was always with you from the start.
How I wish I was her,
who did not ignore you once you offered your heart.

I was so dumb:
for in that specific moment I was so numb.
It could have been me, really.
So now, I could have loved you more freely.

How I wish I was her,
the one you're dreaming of every night.
How I wish I was her,
the one that'll make you feel that heart rate's flight.

Now, I think it's just too late.
Telling you will just make you filled with hate.
That feeling, I will never bear;
you're the only one who seemed to care.

How I wish I was her,
the one who makes you smile everytime.
How I wish I was her,
so being in love with you is not a crime.

Your perfection, it haunts me-
your eyes, your voice, your smell, everything I see.
It hurts me that you're not here,
not that you'll ever be, I hear.


Yes, you heard that right.
I am in love with you, and I might
fall in love with you more day by day.
How I wish I was her, is all I have to say.

Poem for May 3, 2013

Asleep

My whole being craves your existence, dear.
Being apart from you,
now I am nothing but blue.
"This is actually my fear".

Your smell once engulfed me
You wrapped me with your presence;
left me with your essence-
"Come back to me", I plea.

I did not have a dream-
for you being around me and me being around you
was already a dream come true.
Now I just want to scream.

"Sing me to sleep,
I don't wanna wake up on my own anymore"
Never know when I will feel you more-
I have nothing to do but weep.

You are an angel;
seeing your face before I drift off
even when I woke up, I just cannot think of
losing you, that's how I fell

When I close my eyes:
I cannot think of anything neat-
but without you, sleeping became shit.
I miss your presence, it was really nice.

Poem for May 2, 2013